Denmark has stolen children from their foreigner parents

Thursday, January 03, 2013

Christian VII of Denmark's Chronic Masturbation Problem

Christian VII rose to the throne of Denmark in 1766, even though everyone was pretty sure he was crazy. That probably had something to do with the fact that he would often throw food at his dinner guests ... but then, rich people can be real jerks. His reign seemed otherwise pretty normal -- that is, until the masturbation started.
At some point, Christian developed a newfound fascination with his penis, by which we mean he jerked it so often that it interfered with his duties. The court physicians actually worried that Christian's chronic habit was affecting his health -- they thought that it would render him infertile and that it was stunting his growth, which was the 18th century version of "Stop that or you'll go blind."
But at least Christian didn't usually do it in front of visiting dignitaries. What he did do was leapfrog over them when they bowed to him, and sometimes he'd slap people in the face in the middle of a conversation for absolutely no reason. OK, so that's actually the second thing he did that we would also do if we became king.
Eventually, Christian's mind was so far gone that his personal physician, Johann Streunsee, basically yanked the whole kingdom out from underneath him by talking the king into handing over control of his executive decisions, as well as boning the queen behind Christian's back. Presumably he was too busy jerking it to notice.


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